Angst

stressed-out-writer

Keep the fan going cause it’s quiet

Wear my hoodie even though it’s hot

I was told to write songs so I’ve tried it

Anxiety’s ruthless so I’ll give it a shot

I’m punching at the keys and scratching with a pen

So fast so furious, trying to defend

Myself, and the world from my emotions

Sick of playing the game and going through the motions

Don’t know if I can conquer my depression

It’s hard to conquer when it’s really my obsession

Now I know a thing or two about repression

Don’t try to force this on me though, believe me I’ve learned my lesson

Now I’m trying to make sense and come back strong

That’s why I’m sitting here and writing this song

Supposed to be studying, yeah but I wouldn’t call this slacking

If I don’t do this, some part of me’s gonna be lacking

Forget focus, forget good use of my time

I’m sitting here trying to think of how to rhyme

Yeah I’m rhyming away my problems just to get something out

This writing is internal screaming, external would be a shout

Run my hands through my hair so much I’m looking kinda crazy

Shaking my head, drumming my legs, my thoughts are kinda hazy

I’m trying to do what I should, don’t write me off as lazy

But I didn’t ask for these thoughts to invade my mind and haze me

You see that’s really what it is, it’s a form of abuse

The kind that comes from within, the kind I can’t refute

Because I live with this abuse, and though I hate it, it’s the norm

You wouldn’t recognize it even though it takes different forms

And though this pain is really haunting I think I get by okay

I keep my cool and fold my hands and pray my thoughts away

And when I’m down you know that my baby is there

Baby I can’t tell you how much it means to know that you care

And so I’m fighting this all with all the strength I got

Heaven’s through the narrow gate but hell is awfully hot

And you know me and heat don’t mix well, you know I’m bound to blush

But I also got this inner fire, keep it secret so hush hush

But I can’t deny that it comes out every once and a while

That’s why I’m sitting here writing away, rap-style

And you better feel honored to be hearing my thoughts

Don’t come to close though, you know it’s gonna get hot

 

Just tell me, who do you think that I am?

I’m just trying to please y’all, trying to be a man

Now I know that you think that there’s something wrong inside

You’re always treating me as if I’m trying to hide

Some sorta evil, yeah, something ill-intentioned

You act like I’m a monster, and I’m just good at retention

Foaming at the mouth, lust running through my brain

You think I’m all about sex, and I only cause the world pain

Every time I look at women it’s only for the sake of use

My nature isn’t to love, yeah, it’s only to abuse

Now I didn’t decide all these things, you decided them for me

This is YOUR concept of manhood, the real one’ll be gone shortly

So tell me, how you think anyone can be a man

When all you do is sit around and mess with Divinity’s plans?

 

I got enough to deal with, my own flaws beating me down

Now you come along with your vision and kick me to the ground

Thanks for killing chivalry, thanks for killing what could be

The more you stomp on manhood’s throat, the less I can be me

It’s already hard enough to live with purpose,

I fight through life hoping that it’s worth it

I’m fighting for God, fighting for me,

Fighting for Elia, (my wonderful girl, my baby)

But the battle isn’t always easy with anxiety clawing at my face

Life is full of drama, here we go, now begins the race

Pick up your feet and run, yeah, and try to survive

I thought college was supposed to be fun; it feels like I came here to die

Maybe that’s what I should do, cause after all I’m a MAN

And men are worthless creatures, they don’t fit in God’s plan

Manhood isn’t allowed, it’s replaced with “equality”

And so on top of my depression, I’m forced with receptivity

Of all this trash that gets shoved down my throat

You keep pushing this stuff down, Imma keel over and choke

Gotta watch my mouth as if the media were watching

Everything I say will be used against me; quit stalking!

But I can’t even speak up for myself, cause apparently I don’t deserve to

You take a knife of bigotry and run me right through

So now I’m bleeding out, and depression makes it flow even stronger

You want me to think life isn’t worth living?  Well, try harder

 

Just tell me, who do you think that I am?

I’m just trying to please y’all, trying to be a man

Now I know that you think that there’s something wrong inside

You’re always treating me as if I’m trying to hide

Some sorta evil, yeah, something ill-intentioned

You act like I’m a monster, and I’m just good at retention

Foaming at the mouth, lust running through my brain

You think I’m all about sex, and I only cause the world pain

Every time I look at women it’s only for the sake of use

My nature isn’t to love, yeah, it’s only to abuse

Now I didn’t decide all these things, you decided them for me

This is YOUR concept of manhood, the real one’ll be gone shortly

So tell me, how you think anyone can be a man

When all you do is sit around and mess with Divinity’s plans?

 

I’ve got drive now you see, and I’m dropping bars so heavy

You’ve got me all mad now, better get ready

You see baby and anger make a unique passion

I’m a bad-boy lover, and I like the new fashion

Heaven burns in her eyes, filling me with fire and light

I take her hand and lift her chin, I’m ready to fight

The more you threaten my manhood, the more you threaten her

And that’s not okay with me, it’s something I won’t stand for

Because the more you destroy manhood, the more you destroy the world

And I won’t stand for that; not-aw, cause of her

And depression can take a walk, yeah, you’re getting in the way

I’m gonna love her so much, I’m always gonna stay

By her side, all right?  Not gonna play nice

She is the fire in my blood, her and grace will suffice

These are all that I need to focus and use this angst for good

Not gonna listen to you, world, you don’t know what I should

Do with my life, or who I should be

You talk pretty loud, it’s really discouraging

But I’ll cover my ears, yeah, I’ll rip my ears off

Rip out the voices of my mind and the world, gonna make em stop

I feel so judged, but I’ll take it and be proud

You haters can talk, I kinda like it loud

Imma stand up strong, now that I’ve found my drive

And I’ll look in Elia’s eyes, and remember why I’m alive

 

God, thank you for Elia, and for Your grace too

I can’t even wonder what I’d do without You

Keep me going, all right?  Don’t let me or them get me

Keep me alive, if only for my baby

Cause I need You, and I need her

Don’t ever let me forget what I’m living for

Yeah

 

Advertisements

One comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s