Tag Archives: friendship

Obsessive Friendship: Who’s at the Center of Your Life?

Rin and Emiya
Who do you keep at the center of your heart and mind?

Okay, so you know how I’ve been talking about high-school romance and friendship over the past couple weeks?  Well, recently I’ve been thinking a lot about high school romance within those healthy friendships that we form.  I mean, boys will be attracted to girls, and vice versa, whether their relationship is romantic or not.

I wanted to share in particular my thoughts about how friendship can be tricky with a person you love, especially if you’re head over heels for someone.

Before I get started, first recall everything I talked about in my two previous posts “Satisfying the Urge for Teen Romance” and “Why being ‘Just Friends’ is Stupid” To summarize, I stated that dating in high school isn’t always smart.  Yes, we have intense desires and emotions, but when it comes to actually loving the person that we claim to love…well, love might require that we do NOT date that person.  Then I went on to say in another post that friendship is an awesome alternative to dating in high school.  In fact, it’s such an awesome alternative that I thought people should stop reducing its value.  Being “just friends” is stupid.  Because the “just” shouldn’t even be there.  Be friends.

However, there is still the issue of being friends with a person that you love.  Just because you’ve decided to be friends—and close friends—, the desire to date is definitely still there.  So what do you do?  How are you supposed to respond?

Let me try to break some things down for you, based off of personal knowledge and personal experience.

If you’re going to be friends, you need to keep things in perspective.  Namely, keep everything in “friend”-perspective.

What does that mean?  I mean that, even if you’re deciding not to be romantic with each other (like telling each other “I love you”, or holding hands, or even flirting, etc.), it’s still EXTREMELY easy to view that person as a boyfriend/girlfriend.  Maybe your relationship is under control because you’re friends, but sometimes we have the tendency to expect certain things from each other that we would also expect if we were dating.  For instance, a lot more goes into a dating relationship than just romantic/physical stuff.

Take for example that when two people date, they tend to make their relationship exclusive.  They treat each other as #1.  Or consider how when people date, they want to be at the center of each other’s time?  They think that they deserve each other’s time and attention over everyone else.

Now, what happens when you apply this to your FRIENDSHIP with the person that you like?

Uh, bad things.

Seriously.

This kind of relationship can gain a sense of obsessiveness.  We elevate our relationship to the level of a romantic/dating relationship under the name of friendship.  We tell each other that we won’t be romantic, but then we expect things from each other that places a sense of exclusivity or obsessiveness on our friendship.  It makes friendship confining.  It can even make it selfish.

And that’s not love.

Love is freeing.  Love gives.  Love is all about “the other”.  Do I need to quote Corinthians for you?  Okay!

4  Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

So keep everything in perspective.  Realize and be content with where you are in your relationship.  You can still feel a desire to love someone in a deeper, more physical way.  That’s a good thing.  It can even be holy, especially if you allow God to purify your desires.  In fact, it’s even okay for you to allow your desires to drive you to love that person.  That’s how God designed it.

There’s nothing wrong with being friends with a member of the opposite sex and still being a man and a woman for each other.  Guys, you can still be friends with a girl and hold doors open for her; girls, you can still be friends with a guy and let/even expect him to pay for you when you go to a restaurant or see a movie.  There’s nothing wrong with men being men for women, and women being women for men.  Romance doesn’t need to come into the picture (even though it probably will).  I hope all of that makes sense.

Okay, I’ve given you a mentality: keep everything in perspective.  But if I can give you some more practical advice…

So let’s say you feel this desire to form an obsessive friendship with someone.  Or let’s say you tend to view this person that you like as more than a friend, even though friendship is where you are in your relationship…and where you should be at your current stage of life.

What if you’re making your life all about this ONE person?  What if you’ve made them the center of your life?  Your thoughts revolve around them, around the next time you see them, about what you will say when you see them?  Maybe your thoughts can be centered on love: you really care about them.  But what if…for your current stage in life, for the current state of your relationship with this person, you’re just being a little obsessive?

What do you do?

My advice: use your relationship with this person to raise all of your relationships.

Raise your other relationships how?

Well, if you tend to be centered on just one person, branch out.  Don’t allow yourself to slip into exclusivity.  Make your life about even more people.  Reach out and try to develop a deeper relationship with all of your friends; don’t focus on just this one relationship.  And strive for balance.

For example: let’s say you’ve made a habit of texting your friend (whom you actually really like) before every important event or competition in his/her life.  Every time he or she has a game, or a concert, or something, you text him/her “Good luck!”   You do it to show that you care…and you actually do.

Well, start doing that for all of your other friends.

It can be that simple.  I’m not saying be obnoxiously obsessive.  But just try to be more involved, more balanced with all of your friendships.

Do you see what I mean when I say that your desire for a deeper relationship with this one person can be used to deepen your relationships with your other friends too?

Flee from unnecessary exclusivity in friendship.  If you always tend to hug the person you like whenever you greet him/her, hug your other friends too.  If you’d hold the door open for this girl that you like, why not hold it open for your other friends-that-are-girls?

I understand this might seem complicated…maybe not even convincing.  I guess I’m just asking you to trust me.  Make it about everyone.  Make it about love.  Don’t be obsessive.  If you’re like me, and you’re in high school, chances are your life isn’t meant to be completely dedicated to one person right now…

…but, of course, if you really want to dedicate yourself to one Person, He’s always waiting 😉

If you have any questions, or if you’d like me to write about something in particular that relates to the topic of dating/friendship/other, please let me know!

Stay awesome!

Dominic (Aul)


Like me as a blogger? Like the way I write?

Believe me, my books are way better than this post. If you really want to see the best I can do, check out my fantasy/anime series “The Golden Lands”. The first volume is free as an eBook, or you can just read it in the form of “episodes” right here on my blog! Go to my page Embark on the Journey: Volume 1 Episodes for a complete list of episodes. I also post episodes every week, so look for them if you really want to experience the best I’ve got!

Why Being “Just Friends” is Stupid

No, you didn’t read that wrong.  I know, I know—last week, I wrote a post called “Satisfying the Urge for Teen Romance”.  In that post, I talked about how dating in high school is overrated, and in a lot of cases, not smart.  I accepted the fact that we’re made for love and that, as teenagers, our bodies and our God-given desires urge us to love.  Lastly, I stated that all of our desires could be fulfilled if we placed them in Jesus, and especially if we directed our desires for love towards Jesus.

‘Cause He’s the bomb.


TOB friends

MOVING ON…

So why am I saying being “just friends” is stupid?  (And yes, I’m talking about being “just friends” with members of the opposite sex that I like.)  Why would I think being “just friends” is dumb, when that seems like the reasonable alternative to dating in high school?

I’m suggesting this idea to all of my fellow teenagers.  Perhaps it’s just a suggestion, but try to have an open mind.

Does it ever bother you that whenever people see a boy and a girl in a close friendship, they immediately think the boy and girl are in love?  Or that they will fall in love?  Or do you find it annoying that in so many movies and books, the two lead characters, one a guy and the other a girl, start out as “just friends”, but then they fall in love in the end?

Does all friendship between a guy and a girl have to end in romance?

Now don’t get me wrong: I understand quite clearly where our culture is coming from.  Naturally, if you’re close friends with someone, and you slowly grow closer as time goes on, OF COURSE you might develop feelings for each other.  That’s natural.  That’s human.  Guys will be attracted to girls no matter what their relationship, and vice versa!

But not all friendship between a teenage guy and a teenage girl needs to end in romance.  Nor is being “just friends” the correct alternative.

Where am I going with this????

You want to know why being “just friends” is stupid?  Here’s why: Why is the word “just” in there?  

Uh-huh, that’s why.

We use the word “just” in that situation to describe that there’s nothing more to our relationship—that the current state of our relationship lacks the intensity or closeness that people initially believe it has.  But if we always view our friendships with members of the opposite sex in that way, OF COURSE it will seem lame.  We won’t ever be satisfied with being “just friends”…because, well, we’re “just” friends.  

This perfectly relates to my last post concerning the desire to date in high school.  There’s nothing wrong with that desire in the first place…but if we make the alternative—healthy, close friendships—seem unappealing, then we’re always going to want to date.  We’re going to forget willing that dating may not be best for us, or best for the person that we claim to love.  We’re going to go with what seems more exciting…and maybe dating is.  But that doesn’t mean it’s what is best.  Maybe loving the person we want to date will mean being just friends with them.

But not “just friends”.  Friends.

Friendship is awesome.  Stop minimizing how beautiful it is.  In fact, in most cases, I think friendship in high school will help you to build a better relationship with anybody.  If you like a girl or a guy, I’d be willing to bet that becoming friends first, or deepening your current friendship, will help you to form a closer, healthier relationship than if you’d begun dating.

With friendship, you don’t need to be worried about being perfect around the person you like.  You don’t need to worry about cheating on each other.  You don’t need to be tied down by your relationship.  I’m not encouraging infidelity in your friendship.  But believe me (and I know that you know what I’m talking about), there’s just a different feel to being close friends as opposed to dating.  There’s more freedom, there’s more honesty, there’s less fear, less drama, less stress.

Just be happy.  Be free.  Grow together.  Grow closer.  Love each other—definitely do that—whether you’re romantically interested in each other or not.  And do what’s best for each other.  Teach each other how to grow.  Learn to be honest.  Learn to be faithful.  Learn to put others first.

Don’t be “just friends”.  Be friends.

anime friendship

Because being friends is awesome.


What do you think?

 

One Week Anniversary!

Hey all, guess what?

IT’S THE ONE WEEK ANNIVERSARY OF MY NEWLY PUBLISHED BOOK!  It’s been a reaaaaaaaaaly long week… 😛

So just some news for all of you:

First and foremost, I want to let all of you know that in exactly ONE MORE WEEK, the price for The Golden Lands, Volume 1 will go up!  It’s at $2.99 now, but I’ll be moving it up to $3.99.  THIS WILL BECOME A THING!  After publishing a book, the first two weeks it will remain at a low, discount price.  Afterwards, however, it the price will go up.  You may purchase my book here.

Second: my new blog series, “Soul Bleeder”, debuts tomorrow.  It’s pretty much about a character you WILL encounter in TGL, but not right off the bat.  You’ll get to experience my writing style, the magical characteristics of my created world, etc.  

I don’t know why, but it won’t let me get out of bold….

Anyway 🙂 I think that’s it.

Your Author,

Aul